After Solstice | Diary
It’s been a while since I last wrote my diary in a foreign language. In fact, I have seldom kept a diary this year. Specifically, I stopped after those catastrophes happened.
It’s always a pleasure for me to write something down. There are lots of thoughts and comments in my mind that make me want to speak out loud. However, it can make me too talkative and put too much pressure on my friendships, as my ex said.
Fortunately, I have found a peaceful place where I can record everything that happens to me on a daily basis, whether it is good or bad, and it belongs only to me. Every time I type, I instantly enter into a special space where it is just me and myself. I think it is called the flow of the heart.
Let us reflect on what happened after the solstice. During the solstice, I posted one sentence on my Instagram:
“I am so overwhelmed. May all the wishes come true.” At the end of the road, if I can hug you, I will try not trembling that much.”
Things changed dramatically after that day.
I consciously not be as sociable and outgoing as I used to be. There are couple of reasons that I decide to find myself back, which I can explain later. Let me tell you what has changed first.
Make more friends (especially new ones)
Many of my former acquaintances don’t know that I have been in the era of digital detox for several months. For nearly a year, I did not post anything on my social media accounts. Only a few of them understand why, and those who did not get any notice of this, meaning that I chose not to explain the reason behind why I decided to do so.
My personality makes me care about others’ feelings a lot, sometimes even way too much. I ignore what I truly feel or want and just want to make those who I care about feel comfortable on some occasions.
“When Protagonists care about someone, they want to help solve that person’s problems — sometimes at any cost. The good news is that many people are grateful for Protagonists’ assistance and advice.”
But getting involved in other people’s problems isn’t always a recipe for success. Protagonists tend to have a clear vision of what people can or should do to better themselves, but not everyone is ready to make those changes. If Protagonists push too hard, their loved ones may feel resentful or unfairly judged.
I enjoy providing feedback to those who have some questions in their life, including career goals, relationship problems, and so on.
I have a close friend who I’ve known since junior high. Recently, he got a girlfriend who always constrains my friend’s freedom and insulates him from connecting with us. I can’t remember how much time we’ve tried to convince him that it is not mature for a human being to behave like that, but we failed.
“She will change,” he said.
I keep wondering why I felt frayed. Gradually, the picture becomes more vivid. That’s called deprivation. What we could do before, we can’t do anymore.
“Maybe we should let it go,” one of our mutual friends sighed.
In this case, I realized that I had fixated on something that I did not have the right to change. “There are two kinds of things in life: One, not your business. The other, not of my business.” Afterwards, I decided not to give a damn. YAY!
Drive alone
I got my driver’s license five years ago, but I didn’t have a chance to be on the road until now. I’m trying to be more independent since I’m old enough to take risks, and the results have been great. On weekends, I drive the car and go somewhere I haven’t been before, like the mountains, near the ocean, or someplace on this island. The fact that I’m keen on driving indicates one thing: freedom. I can go anywhere I want without anyone’s permission. Singing songs and watching the sunset during the ride make me feel content and in control of my own life.
Another reason I enjoy driving alone is that I want to practice how to stay focused. Nowadays, people find it hard to pay attention to one thing at a time, including me. When notifications pop up, I can’t help but take a look. When I drive, I have the chance to concentrate on the direction and enjoy the ride.
Meditation and Yoga
Meditation has always been on my to-do list. However, I have not had ample motivation to implement it in my life. Thanks to my friend S, who encouraged us to start our journey of pondering life. Meditation is a way of becoming familiar with our thoughts, while yoga is another way to know more about our body. I am still embarking on this self-talk and meaningful safari.
Exercise more often.
Last but not least, exercise. I seldom exercise even though I like it. I just have dozens of excuses to avoid making the first move. Luckily, Jacky and I reconnected at the beginning of this summer. We encourage each other to live a healthier life. On Monday and Thursday mornings, we swim. I feel relaxed and energetic at the same time. Every moment I float in the water, I notice there’s not much I need to worry about. The buoyancy in water will cover me.
It also reflects on my life philosophy. Every time I push myself too hard to do something that I am eager to reach, I always lose balance and drown. Conversely, at those times, I tell myself to take it easy and slow. The calm and fulfillment come in peace.
I learned something. No matter if it’s from those heartbroken midnight moments or bright, breezy Sunday afternoons. No matter if I want to admit or deny it. I became a different person along the way.
I am still figuring out if this transformation implies a positive or negative prophecy. However, I tell myself that I am good enough. I deserve any brand-new thing that happens, any kinds of opportunities that provide for me to give it a try.
